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25 August 2008 @ 03:55 pm
It's been a while since I've had anything to write about.

I met with Carmine, the Antonelli family's new ... thing. What a little prick. I can't see him being in the picture long.

I met this girl. I was helping Mikhail supervise a delivery to some human speakeasy back when we were running low on money and he convinced me to stay behind a have a drink before I went home because I had been very stressed. I saw the girl at the bar there; at first glance she looked a lot like Josephine her and I walked over to ask if she was related to her. She wasn't and she told me her name was Louise, so I sat down and we chatted a little bit and then her friends recognized me and dragged her off. That just figures, they saw the one or two small, blurry photographs of me in the papers. And somehow it was enough to identify me. Anyways.

I saw her again a few nights ago, I caught her as she was leaving another bar. We walked for a while and she told me why she left early when we had first met, then it started to snow and then we kissed and went back to my place for a while. I have to be careful about this one. She's just a human and if Carmine finds out about me and her she's as good as dead.

Lately I have been missing Russia. Or not Russia but what it used to be like before all this. Even if that meant sleeping in a cold cottage night after night and waking up to a long day of hard work, at least I didn't have to worry for the life of myself and my friends all the time. About the only thing I don't miss is being a woman. It's nice to have money and luxuries I guess, and I still do work hard, but all these fucking vampires everywhere. It's hard to find enjoyment in anything because of them.

I guess I should stop complaining. I'll go buy Louise a hat or something.
02 June 2008 @ 01:54 am
Those fucking twins
14 April 2008 @ 02:55 pm
[[I realized today that in my most recent thread on DS I mentioned that Nat had left a note for Josephine before she left the morning after their little lifesavingkissingthing several weeks ago. So, figuring I should actually write the note, hurr.]]

[[The handwriting on this note, left on the nightstand next to Josephine's bed, is clean and meticulous.]]


Thank you for letting me stay with you last night. I needed it, and not because I was injured. The wound was healed almost entirely when I woke up this morning, though.

I'm sorry about our last meeting, when you came to my place. I said some things I shouldn't have and I know it and I'm sorry for it. I love you and you know that I love you so please don't forget that. Please don't. I'd like to see you again, hopefully under better circumstances that don't include the Antonellis or their cronies.

And please be careful. Dante knows about you and how I feel about you and I'm sure he's very intent on using that in one way or another. If anything were to happen to you I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. If you need ash oil or anything like that, please write me. I'll have some sent to you.

I love you, Josephine.


10 April 2008 @ 02:20 am
I love Fiona.

I do, and I love Josephine, but Fiona is just Fiona is amazing and she's sweet and caring and everything Josephine isn't. It doesn't feel fair to be with Fiona, like she should be with someone else who deserves her. And Josephine, it feels like I'm supposed to be with her. I mean it feels that way with Fiona too, but with Josephine I guess we just match more. We're both fucking terrib something, I don't know, we're similar. Fiona should be with someone nice, she should be with a well-adjusted man and live in the country raising two kids in a house with a white picket fence.

But god damn I couldn't let her go if I wanted to. She's j I want her to myself. Just the way she looks at me when she's singing at The Blue Moon, the thought of her looking at someone else like that makes me want to KILL.

Why the hell is this even bothering me, I have a hundred other things to be worrying about? Fuck.
02 April 2008 @ 03:53 pm
It's too quiet. Not even a street fight in two weeks. Something is wrong or something will be.

Mizinovskaia knows about Josephine
15 March 2008 @ 04:36 pm
I had forgotten what she that felt like.

27 February 2008 @ 08:22 am
Please, vampires. Please pull something stupid or drastic or anything. Anything to take my mind off of everything else.

I was at the club with Fiona last night- well sort of, she was singing and I came by to watch her in the hopes of clearing my head. That ended real well. Alexei showed up. Alexei who I just presumed to be dead because he was so late and there was no word from him at all and he was still wearing our wedding ring because I really need more of that on my plate. I was glad to see him and he was glad to see me and luckily Fiona was still singing so I could hug him without feeling guilty or awkward. It was hard to tell him I had someone else. I mean he was gone for several years with no word so it's justified in that, but thinking on it I don't think I could have stayed with him even if he had been with me the whole time. It's not that I don't love him, I do, I just can't changed so much with obor lycanthropy. Two men is weird. He seemed to understand but I still felt feel bad. Especially since he probably knows what I am now. What I do I mean.

I offered him a place to stay but I still feel like I'm backing out on a bet or something. Like I owe him more, I mean technically I sort of divorced him just without actually divorcing which makes it even worse. He seems happy enough I guess. He means a lot to me. I don't want to disappoint him.

I'm certain it's only a matter of time before Josephine inserts herself in the picture again and makes things even more complicated because that's exactly what I need right now.

Please, vampires.
24 February 2008 @ 01:38 pm
[[As per usual, the writing in this old and worn leatherbound journal is in Russian.]]

There's been no shit from the vampires lately. All in all I'm thankful, though it seems that everything else bad has happened in the absence of the usual. I guess they could both be happening at the same time which don't think I could take. Though in all honesty I'm having trouble dealing with this by itself. Considering I haven't written in here in a while, perhaps keeping up with it again will help. I'm out of other options.

Mizinovskaia came back. Out of the fucking blue; I was about to go to bed one night several weeks ago and heard a knocking at my door. It was stupid of me to answer it in the first place considering it was past midnight. Maybe if I hadn't answered it she would have gone away. But I did answer it and there she was, soaking wet and begging for a place to stay. At least she wasn't fucking high or drunk, though the moment I stepped aside to let her in out of pity, out came the bottle of absinthe. Does she have nothing better to do with her fucking time? Apparently not. No wonder she's such a goddamn washed up failure. Kept making shitty stabs at me for killing Papa too, then acted all surprised when she found out I was living with another woman. It's not as if I enjoy having attention called to that aspect of my life; it's already awkward enough. I don't even know why I let her stay with me. Maybe because she's the only

So I decided to take Fiona out to dinner and invite my sister- so the two of them could meet properly. I figure if we're going to be sharing a home (even if Mizinovskaia will be out the majority of the time wasting her life and getting high) they should at least start on good terms. Yeah, so much for that noble endeavor. Things started out alright before it all went to hell and Mizinovskaia decided Fiona was too stupid to be civil with. Woman spends six days of the week drinking and smoking herself into a nigh comatose stupor and she has the audacity to anyone else stupid. At least Fiona has a god damn job. At least she makes something of herself. At least she's worth a damn.

And then tonight- because my personal life wasn't shitty enough- Josephine showed up. Not just showed up, mind you- appeared at my doorstep at some ungodly hour of the night crying and looking completely ruined. She apologized. She apologized. She apologized. Fucking Josephine apologized for all the shit she did, apologized for being so terrible, apologized for absolutely ruining me when she left. Why now? Why when I'm living with someone else? Why when I had almost brought myself to moving on past her entirely? I led her out of the room, into her old one- you know, the one she had adopted as her own when she suddenly decided she didn't want to fucking live with me an in fear of Fiona seeing us. Watching her cry...I couldn't be cold with her, I couldn't be mean. I kissed her. That was a mistake. It wasn't a peck, either- it was a real kiss like the ones we used to share. before I didn't want to leave Fiona. I still don't. But I don't want to leave Josephine out in the cold either, not when she found it in herself to reconcile and apologize. I want them both without hurting them, and I told her this but she got angry and left.

So I don't know what the fuck she wants. I guess she wants me to leave Fiona on a whim to be with her again? If Fiona were anyone else I'd do it in a god damn heartbeat. But Fiona...I love her. I do. I wish I didn't, but I do. Any kindness or compassion Josephine lacked, Fiona has made up for it. I can't bring myself to hurt her like Josephine hurt me, but I don't want to hurt Josephine either. I told her I saw Josephine tonight, I told her I kissed her. I apologized profusely. Fuck, I even cried. She almost left but she didn't. That's something, isn't it? Openly admitting to kissing another woman and she forgave me. That's something worth keeping., right?

I sort of want the vampires to pull some shit, now that I think about it. Really, anything to give me an excuse to think about anything else and then maybe this shit will resolve itself.