[[As per usual, the writing in this old and worn leatherbound journal is in Russian.
There's been no shit from the vampires lately. All in all I'm thankful, though it seems that everything else
bad has happened in the absence of the usual. I guess they could both be happening at the same time which don't think I could take. Though in all honesty I'm having trouble dealing with this by itself. Considering I haven't written in here in a while, perhaps keeping up with it again will help. I'm out of other options.
Mizinovskaia came back. Out of the fucking blue; I was about to go to bed one night several weeks ago and heard a knocking at my door. It was stupid of me to answer it in the first place considering it was past midnight. Maybe if I hadn't answered it she would have gone away. But I did answer it and there she was, soaking wet and begging for a place to stay. At least she wasn't fucking high
or drunk, though the moment I stepped aside to let her in out of pity, out came the bottle of absinthe. Does she have nothing better to do with her fucking time? Apparently not. No wonder she's such a goddamn washed up failure. Kept making shitty stabs at me for killing Papa too, then acted all surprised when she found out I was living with another woman. It's not as if I enjoy having attention called to that
aspect of my life; it's already awkward enough. I don't even know why I let her stay with me.
Maybe because she's the only
So I decided to take Fiona out to dinner and invite my sister- so the two of them could meet properly. I figure if we're going to be sharing a home (even if Mizinovskaia will be out the majority of the time wasting her life and getting high) they should at least start on good terms. Yeah, so much for that noble endeavor. Things started out alright before it all went to hell and Mizinovskaia decided Fiona was too stupid to be civil
with. Woman spends six days of the week drinking and smoking herself into a nigh comatose stupor and she has the audacity to anyone
else stupid. At least Fiona has a god damn job. At least she makes something of herself. At least she's worth a damn.
And then tonight- because my personal life wasn't shitty enough- Josephine showed up. Not just showed up, mind you- appeared at my doorstep at some ungodly hour of the night crying and looking completely ruined. She apologized. She apologized.
She apologized. Fucking Josephine apologized for all the shit she did, apologized for being so terrible, apologized for absolutely ruining me when she left. Why now? Why when I'm living with someone else? Why when I had almost brought myself to moving on past her entirely? I led her out of the room, into her old one - you know, the one she had adopted as her own when she suddenly decided she didn't want to fucking live with me an in fear of Fiona seeing us. Watching her cry...I couldn't be cold with her, I couldn't be mean. I kissed her. That was a mistake. It wasn't a peck, either- it was a real kiss like the ones we used to share. before I didn't want to leave Fiona. I still don't. But I don't want to leave Josephine out in the cold either, not when she found it in herself to reconcile and apologize. I want them both without hurting them, and I told her this but she got angry and left.
So I don't know what the fuck she wants. I guess she wants me to leave Fiona on a whim to be with her again? If Fiona were anyone else I'd do it in a god damn heartbeat. But Fiona...I love her. I do. I wish I didn't, but I do. Any kindness or compassion Josephine lacked, Fiona has made up for it. I can't bring myself to hurt her like Josephine hurt me, but I don't want to hurt Josephine either. I told her I saw Josephine tonight, I told her I kissed her. I apologized profusely
. Fuck, I even cried
. She almost left but she didn't. That's something, isn't it? Openly admitting to kissing another woman and she forgave me. That's something worth keeping.
I sort of want the vampires to pull some shit, now that I think about it. Really, anything to give me an excuse to think about anything
else and then maybe this shit will resolve itself.